Thursday, October 15th - A Good Day

- I saw Daniel! He said it was great to see me again. He did very well on the final, and I'm happy for him.
- Saw Connie, my first meeting with a student this quarter. I hope I helped :)
- "Lunch" with Teresa.
- I chatted with another TA in while in BILD3 lecture. I gave him my leftover lunch from Teresa because he was hungry. He thanked me.
- I printed the quiz for my section. They have great laser printers at Imprints!
- While picking up my timesheet from the bio undergrad office, I snagged a free UCSD Biological Sciences pin. WIN.
- Great section. I got covered with chalk dust and had a hoarse voice afterwards. I also talked to a student afterwards, and helped her with Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium. She commented on my teaching enthusiasm :)
- TA meeting. Some guy commented on my discussion board post frequency, lolz. Overall, had a good time there.
- Turned in 2 timesheets. I'm ready fo dat FAT CHEQUE (even though I just signed up for direct deposit. I'mma miss those paper checks).
- I smiled at the bus driver on the way home.
- On the bus, I found an unopened Monster energy drink. I decided not to take it because it would cast a shadow over my good day.
- One of my old students from spring, Nikita, rando-brando invited me to a party.

And that's pretty much where that great day ended. Good things happened in the days that have since passed, but I'll restrict this post to that Thursday.

So I'm Back and I've Realized

That 95% of my life sucks. But I do it for the other 5%.

And it's worth it!

Close Your Eyes and Make a Wish

A blog about school will come, probably after the first full week of classes.

For now, let's talk about wishes.

People make lots of wishes. There are so many ways to do it! Wishing at 11:11 PM, wishing on a shooting star, blowing out the candles on the birthday cake, blowing an eyelash, etc etc.

Which wishes take precedence? I'm guessing the 11:11 one is pretty low on the totem pole - that's a regularly occuring, easy wish to make. It's your baseline wish pathway. One of those "enter every day for a chance to win our sweepstakes" kind of things. Shooting stars probably come next. Wait, do they differentiate between different sorts of celestial thingies, like do comet wishes rank higher than meteor wishes? If the meteor hits you, does it really matter what wish you made anyway? Hm. Halley's comet comes around regularly.. so I suppose it ranks lower than these random shooting star wishes, but above the 11:11 wishes, because it happens much less frequently. But if it happens so infrequently, shouldn't it then rank higher than random shooting star wishes? But what if you live in a smoggy area, and seeing a random shooting star is much less likely?

So then.. I suppose birthday wishes rank above random shooting star wishes, but below Halley's comet wishes. It comes around once a year. Does the priority of your wish depend on how many candles you have to blow out? That would make sense. More candles - more talent to blow them all out. But does it make sense to give older people, those that would have more candles on their cakes, higher ranking wishes? Shouldn't the power to wish rest with the starry-eyed idealistic youngsters who dare to wish in the first place? Maybe not.

Do I have to blow out the candles at the exact time of day of my birth? If not, is it then invalid? What sort of penalty will I suffer? Will my wish be ranked lower, get granted to a lesser extent, or be disqualified until next year?

Eyelash wishes don't make sense to me. You have a stack of wishes lining your eyelids that you can use any time you want. And they grow back! Not magical at all. Or is it just when you lose an eyelash accidentally? Well, that's just natural. Taking a dump is natural, but I don't get to make a wish every time I take a dump (even though I really do need the divine intervention at my side during some particularly tricky dumps).

Wait, do wishes rank higher than prayers?

And what's "luck?" Like when you find a penny or walk under a ladder. What's "good luck?" Something good happens for you? Well, I would wish for that anyway. So it's like I've randomly been granted a wish, except I don't decide any parameters about the wish at all. Not the time, place, nature, topic, anything. Is that really granting me a wish, then? Is luck just a crappy wish?

What's gambling? Obviously it has an element of luck - an element of being in your favor or not being in your favor. But aren't you kind of "wishing" for a certain outcome or a certain sharp deluge of luck? So you're wishing.. for a particular circumstance, which is that luck is on your side. But luck is just an undefined wish. So you're wishing, in particular, for a wish with no particulars...

Did writing this blog accomplish anything? Did it improve my grades or test scores, win me the lottery, or find me the love of my life? I wish.

My Name is Bannon

Well, it's that time of year again. Heading back down tomorrow. It's gonna be an important and busy year for me, so I thought I'd outline my goals for the quarter ahead. It's more for me, but you can read this too.

The title of the blog is a reference to a character in World in Conflict. You should get that game. Anyway, Bannon.. well I don't want to give away the surprisingly good story, but he's a screwup with a moustache that eventually redeems himself. He calls his mother before his redemption and tells her that he's "gonna do good." This is my phone call. I am Bannon. You are my (bald) mother. I'm going to do good. And I'm going to earn that Wonderful Winter Break (TM) and my 21st birthday.

GRADES - I'm going to keep them up, and try to push them higher. This really isn't so much a goal as a mission requirement.

AED - Is the name of my club, of which I've been elected Social Chair. I'm going to connect with these folks. I'm going to expand membership. I'm going to make good on my campaign promises of more closely knitting this community.

VOLUNTEERING - This is kind of a branch of AED. But I'm going to volunteer more. For the club, for the camaraderie, for the good. I'm going to do it, even if it's at 8 AM on a Saturday.

MCATs - I'm going to.. do them.

RESEARCH - I'm going to get into this, and see what it has to offer. Regardless of whether I end up enjoying it or not, I'm going to let it see what I have to offer.

AND OF COURSE:

TAing - Not so much a job as a lifestyle. I'm going to be more vigilant, more accessible, a clearer public speaker, a cleaner blackboard chalker, a more consistent grader, a more forceful student advocate; I'm going to be better. I'm going to continue to earn my recent commendation, and I'm going to do my best to not let it breed a sense of arrogance or complacency.

Those are the big ticket items ahead. Thank you to everyone for making these past few months worth missing. I'm going to do good.

I'll see you all soon again! And I'll get working on those drawings.

Not the TA Award Blog I Wanted to Write

Today started off as a very good day. I hung out with Alissa and then got an e-mail saying I won a TA award. I was very happy. Then I told my mom (against my better knowledge, I admit), and then I was very, very sad and hurt.

What happened from there reminded of a George Carlin joke that I believe was in the very last HBO special he did before he died. Basically, this guy wants to commit suicide, and then he gets all caught up in the logistics of it. That's what I did.

I felt very sad, and, having taken high school biology and all that, I tried to think of what chemicals I could put into my system to temporarily and artificially elevate my mood.

I thought of smoking. Smoking is a Swiss Army knife of a mood changer. I've tried it and I like it. It's simple, meditative, and you can do it for anything - when you're sad, angry, happy, anxious, calm, anything. It Just Works (TM).

But then I thought.. I've quit for so long, do I really want to break my streak because of this? My dad quit cold turkey when I was born. Am I gonna pussy out and start again because my feelings were hurt? God, the smell.

I don't have any cigarettes. I'll have to go down to the fuckin gas station to get them. Jesus they're not cheap either, and I need to not spend my money too stupidly. Should I take my bike down to the gas station? That would be quick.. but then I'd have to ride my bike all the way back, and that's all uphill. And I will have just smoked. That won't be fun. I just whitened my teeth too. Hm.

I could drink! I don't really like drinking though and I've never drank to change my mood. Hm. I have leftover vodka from Wonderful Winter Break. I don't want to feel sick though. And hm. That's a lotta empty carbs. Is getting fat going to help things? The vodka needs to be chilled. I really don't have that kind of time.

In the end, I got over myself and played World of Warcraft.

I won a TA award today.

Extended Shit I Don't Get #3

After some time to think, I've found that I don't entirely understand something (BREAKING NEWZ). I don't understand these politicians that proclaim the government to be this enormous, inefficient, hulking bureaucracy that's a cancer on our society, and then seek elected office. Now that takes fuckin balls. If I were interviewing for, say, an information technology job, and I told the interviewer that I thought IT folks were pale, sexless freaks who were more familiar with crafting recipes in World of Warcraft than with even rudimentary aspects of a vagina, I probably wouldn't get hired. I probably wouldn't get hired because I'd probably do a shitacular job if I hated the position so damn much.

Going even further, beyond the apparent contradiction of "government sucks, put me in charge of it," is something I don't understand about the ideology itself. The anti-government folks seem to believe that, if there is a government (God (TM) forbid), it should be focused on staying out of our lives. The government should be focused on doing nothing, essentially.

This view of what the purpose of government is makes these less-government folks absolutely correct, in a perverse way. Having a president, vice president, 9 Supreme Court justices, and 535 members of Congress sure is inefficient and wasteful if what you think the government should be doing is nothing. I mean, Jesus Christ, I can do nothing all by myself! At home! While jerking off! I don't need a bureaucrat to do that for me. But let's see how this do-nothing government idea is monumentally stupid.

This might be a bit esoteric, but remember when you were doing a math problem, and it asks you to find the volume of a fuckin cube or something? And you solve the equations and shit, and you finish with a few possible answers for the volume of the cube. So you need to eliminate some of the answers, because the cube can only have one value for the volume. And one of the answers you have is negative, and you immediately throw that one out. Why? Because it's negative, and a cube can't have a negative volume. While it may be a solution to the equations you used, it doesn't make sense within the context of the problem.

That's exactly what this government-should-do-nothing crowd is proposing. To me, government was created to solve those big capital-letter-type issues: War, Poverty, Justice, Peace, Equality, Race, etc. Large, universally human issues need a large, society-wide force with the strength and backing of the people to act upon those problems. To look at these predicaments and ask "What should the government do to solve those problems?" only to have folks go "OH! OH! We can do nothing!" is the same as that negative value for cube volume. It's only an answer in the most technical, trivial sense. It doesn't make sense in the context of the problem.

I mean, Jesus, you think we can solve global warming just with you screwing in a few of those neat fluorescent lightbulbs? Fuck you. A politician wants to cut back the government? I say let's start with the part that employs his stupid ass.

Mish Mash

JESUS CHRIST WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

I know I know I know I'm sorry. To make up for it, I'm going to roll several blog topics into one long rambling one. And to make sure I follow through with it, I'm going to do it stream-of-consciousness style (which, as I understand it, is fancy writerspeak for "I'm too goddamn lazy to make an outline").

Goddamn. What's been happening? Jesus. A lot of good people left. Roy left. Kristin left. Markis left. Every time, every goddamn time. It feels like you just start to tolerate the bastards, and then they be leavin you and shit. I thought I left that all behind - the constant moving and stuff, the constant uprooting. I always feel nostalgic during these last few bits.

You ever notice that..when you see a person in a wheelchair, you immediately look 'em up and down to see if you can identify why they're in a wheelchair? In a split fuckin second, you take in facial structure, posture, presence of limbs, relative obesity/underweightedness, or any sort of general awkwardness. You can pinpoint in a heartbeat why someone's fuckin disabled. And I take ages to order something at a restaurant.

Guys are always. ALWAYS. (always) the worse looking of the sexes. I don't care in what socioeconomic strata we're operating, or which race we're considering, or whatever. Guys are always the uglier half. Case in point: those "beauty and the beast" type couples. Also, they look fuckin awkward naked, I think. Girls are works of art. Guys wear socks when they have sex.

I've been thinking a lot about TAing recently (it'll be my third time this upcoming fall). I can't wait. I've got it all down! Or most of it. What I'm going to wear, tone of voice, opening spiel, what I'm going to have written on the board when they walk in for the first time. I don't know. People say I'm obsessive (a student once, even :). Just because I check the discussion board every 5 minutes and will delay sleep, work, and personal hygiene to answer a question in detail. Just because I make pages and pages of handouts and study material. Just because I practically beg for questions in class. Just because I always respond immediately to all e-mails from my phone, come hell or high water or Jesus 2.0. Just because thinking about TAing has given me ephiphanies about what I want to do in life, the role of professionals in society, the role of government, the basis of my morality system, and the basis of my political views. I don't know if I was empty before, but it sure feels like it now when I'm not TAing. I didn't choose TAing. It chose me. And goddamn, I don't think I ever feel as good as when I'm TAing. Alcohol, cigarettes, Vicodin, marijuana, uppers, downers, all arounders. Fuck them all. Nothing satisfies me, nothing fulfills me, nothing makes me as confident, as happy, as smart, as funny, as complete as when I'm in front of that room, in front of that audience. More to come on this.. for sure.

Things I'm currently watching: The Rachel Maddow Show (she is SO FUCKING HOT no FUCKING joke. And you know I'm serious because I don't care for celebrities, and, in particular, talking about their attractiveness annoys me. But JESUS I WOULD HOLD THAT BITCH DOWN BY THE WAIST AND GO TO TOWN. I'm talkin DOWNtown. She is the sexiest thing evar, perhaps barring a friend of mine or two ;), Daily Show/Colbert Report (classics!), Mad Men (I don't particularly care for drinking and I quit smoking, but that show makes me want to start both. Also, excellent fashion), Weeds (not as good as it used to be, but s'alright still), Countdown with Keith Olbermann (eh. Not a huge fan, but I like to have episodes of this ready when there's nothing else to watch and I'm having dinner), House (also not as good as it used to be, and the season's been done for a while), and The Office (also been done). Shows that have been done that I need to download and archive: 3rd Rock From the Sun, Seinfeld (ugh I downloaded this before and then had to delete it. Time to grab those 31 gigs again -_-), Firefly (!!!!!!!), Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Cowboy Bebop (I lost my CDs).

Things I'm (Supposed To Be) Reading: MCAT book, I, Claudius by Robert Graves, and Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond.

Things I'm playing: Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft, Killing Floor, Unreal Tournament 2004 (and variations of all these things). What a summer.

I suddenly got very tired just now.