Center 207

Bit the Bullet

2010-12-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

This blog (and much more) now found at center207.tumblr.com. All previous posts have been imported.

Class dismissed.

Memoirs

2010-10-24T03:08:00.000-07:00

I think that, in an ideal society, the best among us would like to be teachers. By becoming a TA, I hope to be at least a part of the above-average among us. I want to be a TA because the people who have influenced me the most, whether they be my parents, Cyrano de Bergerac, my high school science teachers, or George Carlin, have all been instructors in some sense of the word. I would like to aspire to have even a fraction of the impact that they've had on me. I consider becoming a TA an essential step towards my ultimate educational goal, which is to become a good husband and father.

Whenever I think about teaching, I smile. I find something immensely, almost religiously satisfying about this service. My friends often remark that I should become a teacher, noting my general intelligence, my patience, my concern for others that they feel is undeserved, and the excessively generous tips I leave at restaurants. I can promise that TAing will have my full attention and dedication, especially now since my girlfriend dumped me. But beyond the desire to teach in general, I have a special passion for the subject itself.

That was part of the first application essay I (quickly) wrote the first time I applied to TA. Today, I finally put down another class as my first choice for a TAship. I remember being in that class, podcasting it, reading the (not really required) text for it, and studying for its exams. I posted to my social networks that I finally had found a way to know that I truly enjoyed a class - I wanted to teach it. And indeed next winter quarter, I hope to. It's going to be an exciting new thing for me, and it's very apropo that it happens during winter quarter; a quarter that has always traditionally been exciting, challenging, and rewarding.

And I can't help but think back on the last two years of TAing, as I look to the last two quarters I can do it (maybe 3 if I can manage summer somehow - which is doubtful). So I thought I'd put down my thoughts and memories on the whole experience thus far in a series of blog posts, since this has certainly been a life-changing time. It'll be featured prominently in my personal statements, and in my memories when I think back to these formative years.

A Quote

2010-10-18T22:32:00.001-07:00

That's stuck with me for some time. I first read a "Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith back in middle school, and it's still one of my favorite books (despite being girly and all that). Anyway:

They learned no compassion from their own anguish. Thus their suffering was wasted.

I've tried to keep it in mind. With great difficulty.

On an unrelated note, I've been tempted to move to Tumblr. They're so.. smooth. And shiny. But this is the longest I've kept up with a blog, so I don't know if I want to change from that (also the reason why I still have a Yahoo! Mail account from middle school -_-). Oh nostalgia.

For a Personal Statement in the (Near) Future

2010-10-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, thoughts and stories:

1) I know it's a competitive process, and it does sometimes bring out the negative in me. On the outside, I'm congratulatory, on the inside, I'm jealous. But even deeper inside, I do respect and admire my friends and what they've been able to accomplish. They've been proud of me, and I'm proud of them. I'm just grateful to have this opportunity. I can know what it's like to not have that. My parents lost a war and a country, moved here, learned English, got through college, and raised my brother and me, and continue to have to suffer. Mom has a bad hip and a thyroid problem. She's up by 4:30 and home at 7 something. Suffering isn't some story about a great-great-great-grandparent that once had to eat a shoe to survive. It's in my household. I can't let them down. And I won't, as long as I don't give up quite yet.

2) My "culture" has affected me more than I realize. Or would care to admit. There's some shit behind all the hot dogs, American flags, and Miller Lites.

3) I'm almost religious. I have often found certain aspects of the (Judeo-Christian in particular) religion enticing: I have wronged and I have suffered, and I want to confess to something higher. I want my story heard and to be forgiven. I have tried to turn the other cheek, and I have tried to use my experiences to make me more compassionate, rather than bitter. I hope that someday, everything I've done will be redeemed. I know I'm suffering so others don't have to. I don't think I'll ever be fully "religious" in all the technical aspects of it. But I'm a practical person, and in all practical intents and purposes, I'm religious.

4) Taking from Obama's school speech: I've done things I'm not proud of. But I can't let my failures define me, I have to let them teach me. Just because I've gotten into trouble, doesn't mean I'm a troublemaker. Just because I've gotten a few bad grades, doesn't mean I'm stupid. Where I am right now doesn't have to determine where I'll end up. Everything in my life isn't perfect, but that's no excuse. It's not just giving up on myself, but on my country. And I love this country too much to give anything less than my best.

5) From my politics, to my "religiousy" side, and ultimately to my teaching, parenting, and practicing philosophy: I have a positive duty to do good and to correct wrong, and not just to refrain from wrongdoing.

6) I didn't learn to fully appreciate Dr. Lachman or Mrs. Erdei until they were long gone. I hope to not make that same mistake with my parents.

TAing stuff will get its own post, since it's extensive.

It's Hard

2010-10-08T02:02:00.001-07:00

To keep my spirits up for any amount of time these days.

I'm a goddamn failure.

There is Grandeur in This View of Life

2010-10-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

There are those that take "offense" when science elucidates some things that were once in the unknown, like when we reduce moods and emotions down to the level of hormones or whatnot. It seems to say that to convert mystery to mechanism is to remove some of the beauty inherent in an object, idea, or process. But while I disagree with that notion (which essentially asserts that roses smell less pleasant if you can figure out the structure of the odor molecules), I believe some of the nuances of the discipline and the whole experience can only be appreciated if you're knee deep in it.

I think Neil Armstrong once said (while on the moon): "It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."

And it's the same way with science. If you read a biology textbook for a lower-division, introductory course, the whole field seems simplistic and.. finished. That we have solved "life" as we know it. That we can take what makes us human, what has been the topic of philosophic and artistic discussion since there was philosophic and artistic discussion, right down to a flowchart. Love = hormone in blue square --> target organ in pink circle, which negatively inhibits gland (which is a green triangle).

But as you go up into upper-division courses and maybe start going into research, that impression dissipates. I remember reading my molecular biology textbook, something caught me off guard, something that continues to bother me to this day: the authors weren't sure. It is probable that this happened. We think this is where the protein goes. Current research suggests this is how the mechanism works. It is unclear which model is correct.

My first reaction was confusion and perhaps a little "youthful" brashness. Well, WHY DON'T YOU KNOW? This is 2010. We aren't doing research with goddamn twigs and rocks. Don't give me uncertainty. Make it a flowchart and be done with it.

Then it dawned upon me just how messy this whole "science" gig is. I realized how many years of painstaking work done by hundreds of thousands of the smartest people in the room it took to make the kindergartenesque flowcharts. I realized that science wasn't a flowchart. That it was finding a blurry speck in a field of blurry specks, and trying to figure out why that particular speck is there (and this apparently takes 4 years and thousands of dollars and results in a thesis). In the end, maybe those folks were right. Maybe there is beauty in mystery. But not mystery for mystery's sake, but mystery for solving's sake. For thinking's sake.

And so the more I learn, the less I know. I love it. Because it makes me feel very, very small.

One More

2010-09-24T02:38:00.000-07:00

No optimism this time. No lofty goals.

I have one shot left at this. There's no room for error. I have to do everything, and I have to do it right.

Nothing else matters. Especially the past. I'm not going to waste any more time and energy fighting things that are over. I'm willing to discuss. To clarify. To understand. And, hopefully, to make peace with things and with myself.

Barring all that, deal with it.

So This

2010-09-12T01:16:00.001-07:00

Is what growing up is like. Constant stress. Looking and looking for someone to hire me. Massive bills. And I still have to help the little one out with prom money.

Fuck it.

Today

2010-09-11T10:58:00.001-07:00

Is M-Day. Every minute matters. Every question matters. Move quickly, but carefully. Let's take this and go home.

Complete Rip Off of a Quote From a Movie I Recently Saw (Guess Which One!)

2010-09-09T22:50:00.001-07:00

But if... You know, if going to Wake Forest and taking this test so my application will be complete.. if that earns me the right to get back to my girl, then that's my mission.

... I just know that every physics problem I do, the farther away from home I feel.

Don't Really Know

2010-09-06T05:09:00.001-07:00

What to do. I don't know. I don't think I've been subjected to this much big-life-decision-scale stress for this extended a period. I'm more than just tired. I don't feel well.

I'm starting to think about whether or not I'm ready for this. About my maturity level. This is a big commitment and I need to know if I'm ready to make it.

I can't think right now, though I'm doing more verbal at the moment. But suffice to say, I've been questioning a lot of things lately. And in the end, I just feel like I'm letting people, and myself, down. By not being smart enough, or not hard-working enough, or both.

If

2010-09-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man my son!

I Let

2010-08-29T18:39:00.001-07:00

Everyone down.

It's Ridiculous

2010-08-25T19:46:00.001-07:00

How many times I've listened to this speech. Especially recently.

Excerpt From Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama: Back to School Event

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

... that's what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you're good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That's the opportunity an education can provide.

And this isn't just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you're learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don't do that – if you quit on school – you're not just quitting on yourself, you're quitting on your country.

Now I know it's not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

I get it. I know what that's like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn't always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn't fit in.

So I wasn't always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I'm not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances...

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don't have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there's not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don't feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren't right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you've got going on at home – that's no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That's no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That's no excuse for not trying.

Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up. No one's written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That's what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

That's why today, I'm calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them..

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won't love every subject you study. You won't click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won't necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

...you can't let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn't mean you're a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn't mean you're stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one's born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You're not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don't hit every note the first time you sing a song. You've got to practice. It's the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it's good enough to hand in.

And even when you're struggling, even when you're discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don't ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn't about people who quit when things got tough. It's about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

So today, I want to ask you, what's your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I'm working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you've got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don't let us down – don't let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

I've been reflecting, and sometimes

2010-07-31T06:36:00.001-07:00

http://mobile.nytimes.com/article?a=636205&f=58

I feel like this is just a frat. Like these are all just hoops I have to jump through, simply because everyone before me has jumped through them. So we can all pat each other on the back and reminisce about these times when we're at bars. So we can turn up our noses at those who didn't or won't jump through those same hoops. It's not all arbitrary, but maybe some of it is unnecessary. Even detrimental.

We're supposed to be the humanitarian arm of the Science enterprise. We're supposed to be the ones bringing humanity's greatest tool bearing down on humanity's greatest afflictions.

And yet, volunteering is extracurricular and alkyl halides are a requirement.

It's Wonderful

2010-07-19T20:05:00.001-07:00

Being appreciated for the efforts you make.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

OMFG

2010-07-18T22:49:00.001-07:00

SMARTPHONEZ

Venting.

2010-07-18T02:04:00.001-07:00

You know what?

Fuck you. And fuck all of it. I'm sick and tired of being the bigger person and swallowing my pride and attempting to do the right thing. Or at least the thing that keeps the peace. The thing that makes everyone else happy except me.

I'm tired of being the first one to go when shit hits the fan. For no reason. And then I have to apologize for it. Just to keep the peace, and make sure you feel okay. As long as you feel fine. Then I'm fine. But not right now.

I didn't ask for any of this responsibility, so really.. there's no reason why I have to keep it. I don't know why I do. What have you put into it, exactly? Maybe, for once, I should just let myself be the center of attention. Just sit there being pissed and have people cater to me. Then they'll realize how this never happens. How I always grit my teeth and bear it to make things work.

I have a feeling that I'm overreacting. But then again, I always think that. And I always end up agreeing with myself, and never letting you know that I thought it in the first place. I'm going to let myself be content this time.

I'm tired.

McDonald's

2010-07-10T19:55:00.001-07:00

McDonald's had a 6 McNugget deal for $1. And I missed it.

There's no God. There is no God. And if there is, why hath Thou forsaken me?

You're a Great Person

2010-07-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

And it's been some trip. We've had our ups and downs, but I won't ever regret the experience.

I maintain that we were still victims of circumstance. I think we both, though imperfectly, tried to carry out the best of our intentions.

I don't want to fight. I won't talk shit behind your back. I hope you feel the same way. If there's anything that you need to talk about, of course I'm here to listen. I want us to move forward.

And I wish you all the best. Sincerely.

Excerpt From Rachel Maddow's Commencement Speech at Smith College

2010-07-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

...

I would like to offer the hypothesis on this beautiful graduation day that personal triumphs are overrated.
If you think about it, when Jack Abramoff got the White House to install his on- the-take, corrupt, patsy as the Number Two job at the Department of Interior thus leading to the snorting-meth-off-the-toaster-oven, sleeping-with-the-oil-lobbyist vibe at the Department of the Interior, that was a personal triumph for Jack Abramoff.

Someone at Yum Brands this year achieved their personal triumph by getting KFC to remove the bun from a cheese and bacon sandwich and replace that bun with pieces of fried chicken -- the double-down sandwich-designer's personal triumph.

When the current president hit upon the strategy of co-opting his political opponent's wish list in order to get a climate bill passed this year, President Obama, adopting “Drill-Baby-Drill,” was lauded in the Beltway press as a political and personal triumph.

Someone invented the AMC Gremlin and got a car company to build it for nine years -- that was a personal triumph.

There's a Tennessee businessman who has mass-marketed a legal means of charging 400 percent interest on something called "payday loans" despite laws against usury and loan-sharking in this country. He made so much money off of ripping off Americans that way that he built himself a full-scale college football stadium with lights and seating and a field house and everything in his backyard for his personal use, and he hires college football teams to play there for his own enjoyment, he markets himself as a great American personal triumph.

Al Capone rose from humble beginnings in Brooklyn to build a huge crime empire that essentially owned Chicago during Prohibition -- a personal triumph.

All these people dream their dreams and work hard and achieve their dreams.

Some dreams are bad dreams.

[Stopped to recognize a cheer]

Will you do that again? Yah? The hooting -- that's very nice, thank you.

Everybody always says around occasions like this: life is short. It might be. If it is for you, I'm sorry. I wish that was not the case. But I would caution against believing life is short and to live everyday as if it is your last as if you're ever only going to be roughly the age you are now.

Frankly, if all goes well, life is long. So if you might take advice for me I would offer this, hopefully life is long. Do stuff you will enjoy thinking about and telling stories about for many years to come. Do stuff you will want to brag about.

No one brags to the grandkids that they were one of the geniuses behind poisoning all the industrial alcohol in the country. Nobody's going to brag to grand kids about "Who-needs-wetlands? Let's-have-a-subdivision-and-a-shipping-canal-instead" decisions that made New Orleans the tragedy and the distant hope that it is today -- and the 40 percent of our nation's wetlands that is Louisiana's beaten, bloodied coast.

Nobody's ultimately going to brag to their kids about having told the country that we ought to invade Iraq because, you know 9/11, and it ought to be easy. Imagine in the family history: "Yeah, then granddad went onto TV and said war in Iraq would take six weeks, max." Nobody wants to remember that about granddad.

So I would advise, if you have the choice, don't be the granddad, don't be the grandma whose temporal personal triumph is something you only hope is something that gets forgotten in history.

In the big picture, standing at the age 22-ish or 40-ish or 62-ish -- Ada Comstockers, right on -- standing at the age you are now at graduation, looking for your own deep-water horizon, consider the possibility that you might very well get old -- everybody hopes you do. Be part of good decisions because the stuff you do now you will want to be bragging about when you become 90.

How do you become part of good decisions in the absence of a crystal ball? The best way to guess what is going to work out in the future and to figure out what you'll be glad you played a role in is to get smart and get smart fast, to take the opportunities you've got very seriously, to continue your education not necessarily in a grad school way, but in a lifelong way, be intellectually and morally rigorous in your own decision-making and expect that the important people in your life do the same if they want to stay important to you.

Gunning not just for personal triumph for yourself, but for durable achievement to be proud of for life is the difference between winning things and leadership; it's the difference between nationalism and patriotism; it's the difference between running for office and devoting yourself to public service; it's agreeing that you're part of something; taking as your baseline that you will not seek to reach your own goals by stepping on your community; it means coming to terms that your country needs you, Smith Class of 2010.

There will come times in life and career ahead when you have to choose between integrity and more short-term temptations. You will be the press secretary who is asked to lie to the press; you will be the regulator asked to approve the drilling with the Mickey Mouse safety plan; you will be the artist commissioned to make what you suspect is propaganda; the engineer pressed to use the cheaper, unsafe welds; the job applicant asked to cross the picket line; the research scientist expected to round to the nearest publishable conclusion; the spouse tempted to cheat; the physician tempted to schill; the staff sergeant asked to keep quiet; the politician confronted with the focus group that proves how well appeals to racism poll in your district; the pundit offered the talking point; the procurement officer offered the kickback.

In the short term it's always crystal clear what advances you further, what makes you famous, what gets you your boss' job, what gets you elected, what gets you rich.

In the end, though, blood will out.

History has a way of not remembering that some of those Iraq War press secretaries had real talent in the White House press room; or that BP and Trans-Ocean had a real talent for drilling down to find oil deeper than anyone else.

When given the choice between fame and glory, take glory. Glory has a way of sneaking up on fame and stealing its lunch money later anyway.

Life might very well be long, keep your eye on the horizon and live in a way that you will be proud of. You will sleep more. You'll be a better partner. You'll be a better mom. You'll be a better friend. You'll be a better boss, and you will not have to remember any complicated lies to brag about at the old age home because you can brag about the truth of your well-lived life.

In conclusion, I'm not going to be egotistical enough to ask you to remember any of this advice. I might ask you, though, to remember Carry Nation. Carry Nation got what she wanted against the odds -- a product of her hard work -- it's not meant to be inspiring. It's meant to worry you. You are graduating from Smith College. You are well prepared. You are poised. You're well connected. You are wicked smart. You are already accomplished.

Do not for yourself today, but for yourself to be proud of at the end of your life. Do not for the fame, but for the glory – learn the difference. Do not just for your own life, but for the life of your nation, that is still, for all its challenges and its flaws, is in many ways the best hope on earth. A country that needs you and the best you have to offer and your best judgment.

Thank you for asking me to be here. Thank you for already having done the hard work that got you here, and please enjoy this moment. Be proud of yourself. We're all so very, very proud of you.

rawrawrawr MAN

2010-06-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

I wanted a late night snack at about 2:30 AM. So I warmed up a half rack of ribs and I fucking ripped through them like nothing else. I licked the ribs dry. I was sucking on them, trying to extract the marrow. The goddamn pig doesn't need it anymore; it's dead. I wanted more ribs, but I was covered in bbq sauce and wanted to retain what was left of my dignity, so I stopped myself.

Then I warmed up a baked potato. It was just a whole potato. Skin-on, uncut. I warmed it up for a minute, but took it out at about 55 seconds. I held the whole potato in my hand, and just bit into it. I just ate the whole potato right there. I added a bit of salt near the end.

By this time I was pretty thirsty, so I chugged a bottle of Miller Lite right quick. Then a bit of Coke. Then some milk with a multivitamin.

And now I'm here.

whatever

2010-06-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

I've always felt like this, off and on. But it's never persisted this long before. I feel stupid. And lazy. And worthless. And undesirable. And hopeless.

It started with grades but that's just one of the facets of why I feel this way right now. It's a lot more, and a lot more personal than that. I know what the right answer is, but I'm tired of pretend-lecturing myself. I want to talk to someone about it.

But that's the thing - I can't talk to anyone about it. Not anyone close to me. Because I don't want them knowing. And judging. I don't want the people that matter to me knowing about this, because they matter to me.

I really wish this would just go away. Thematically at least, this sort of problem has always been with me. It's part of my personality. I can't stop thinking about it. I can distract myself - with a TV show, with a game, with a book - but the moment I stop, I start thinking again. And it just spirals downward from there.

I wish I still smoked. I'm still drinking. I'm out of pills. And running out of time.

My Rock Garden

2010-06-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

It's a strange sort of tranquility. I'm down here in SD, but I don't have any immediate obligations (besides my credit card bills, I suppose). No classes, no exams, no sections, no kids, nothing.
But the buses are still running, the libraries are still open, and people are still going about their day. For whatever reason, I think that's the most relaxing part. To know that I have my own little oasis in Bullshit Country.

Oh rite MCATs.

FUCK YOU MIKE DON'T SUBSCRIBE

2010-06-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

Proctoring

I love proctoring. It's relaxing to take a final but not have to do anything. Just walk around being intimidating and feeling important. Feeling like you're a part of an exclusive club with its unique shared experiences. You give a knowing nod to the other TAs, like when bus drivers pass each other on the road.

Maybe some day I'll catch one cheating! We've had a few close calls. How exciting.

But for the most part, it's a time to reflect on the latest tour of duty. Did I live up the expectations of others, as well as my own? Did I make a difference? Was that difference peculiar to me (was it consequential? Did it matter that I was their TA and not someone else?)? Did I do a better job than last time? Have I grown in some way? And above all else, did they thank me? Did I give them a reason to do so?

Maybe this quarter wasn't the greatest. But I know I'll be standing around again, come finals week in the fall. I don't want to let myself off too easily, but I also want to allow myself to have an off quarter. I hope my answers to these questions are more positive the next time around.

You will have 3 hours for the exam. To qualify for a regrade, you must write in non-erasable ink and there must be no whiteout. Scientific calculators are allowed. Please have your ID ready when you hand in your exam. Please raise your hand if you have a question or would like to use the restroom.

You may begin. Good luck.

2010-06-04T15:38:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start mobile posting. Occasionally I'll do one of the planned and edited "set piece" blogs, but I think I should just start posting again.

Now that I'm beginning the final few days of the both the quarter and the year, I'm getting contemplative. Did I live up to that optimistic blog I posted right before school started? I'm not sure. I got the lowest quarter GPA ever during the fall, but the highest ever during the winter. With a rather heavy load, too. I'm not sure how I'll do this quarter. Overall, I think it'll end up being a wash. Winter quarter shone, as usual.

I'm beginning to feel down about TAing. This quarter in particular. I don't think I did a very good job. Granted, it was with a new professor who taught the material very differently, but I'll be frank with myself. I didn't give it my all. I didn't attend the lectures. I didn't prep enough for section. I was tardy in replying to e-mails. I wasn't helpful in super office hours.

I've been feeling it for a while, but I think I'm drifting. I get nostalgic for winter '09, when I was doing it for the first time. I answered quickly and extensively to the discussion board. I was so excited to grade and to hold section. That's the difference. I was new, idealistic, and just enthusiastic. Now, I'm too high above everything. A laissez-faire technocrat, maybe even without the competence. It's just a paycheck right now, to support my expenses and some of the less savory aspects of my spending.

Next year. Next year. I'll live up to my commendations and my evaluations. But I'm thinking maybe TAing, for this class at least, has run its course.

I'm starting my 4th year in AED. I was looking at old pictures of AED a little while ago, and I realized that I don't remember a damn thing from the first two years. I don't remember an AED without Mike running the clinic, Maggie the treasury, Bikem the club, Igor as the secretary, Olivia as the VP, and Brad and Kristin doing the publicity. I really like the new officers, but to me, these folks will always be AED. The previous years just have this thick layer of Vaseline over them in my memories.

I'm looking forward to the summer. I'll be here, for the first time. Mike and mona will be here. Maggie will be here. Hannah. Beverly and Olivia. And the MCAT.

Fuck finals.

Thursday, October 15th - A Good Day

2009-10-18T14:21:00.001-07:00

- I saw Daniel! He said it was great to see me again. He did very well on the final, and I'm happy for him.
- Saw Connie, my first meeting with a student this quarter. I hope I helped :)
- "Lunch" with Teresa.
- I chatted with another TA in while in BILD3 lecture. I gave him my leftover lunch from Teresa because he was hungry. He thanked me.
- I printed the quiz for my section. They have great laser printers at Imprints!
- While picking up my timesheet from the bio undergrad office, I snagged a free UCSD Biological Sciences pin. WIN.
- Great section. I got covered with chalk dust and had a hoarse voice afterwards. I also talked to a student afterwards, and helped her with Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium. She commented on my teaching enthusiasm :)
- TA meeting. Some guy commented on my discussion board post frequency, lolz. Overall, had a good time there.
- Turned in 2 timesheets. I'm ready fo dat FAT CHEQUE (even though I just signed up for direct deposit. I'mma miss those paper checks).
- I smiled at the bus driver on the way home.
- On the bus, I found an unopened Monster energy drink. I decided not to take it because it would cast a shadow over my good day.
- One of my old students from spring, Nikita, rando-brando invited me to a party.

And that's pretty much where that great day ended. Good things happened in the days that have since passed, but I'll restrict this post to that Thursday.

So I'm Back and I've Realized

2009-10-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

That 95% of my life sucks. But I do it for the other 5%.

And it's worth it!

Close Your Eyes and Make a Wish

2009-09-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

A blog about school will come, probably after the first full week of classes.

For now, let's talk about wishes.

People make lots of wishes. There are so many ways to do it! Wishing at 11:11 PM, wishing on a shooting star, blowing out the candles on the birthday cake, blowing an eyelash, etc etc.

Which wishes take precedence? I'm guessing the 11:11 one is pretty low on the totem pole - that's a regularly occuring, easy wish to make. It's your baseline wish pathway. One of those "enter every day for a chance to win our sweepstakes" kind of things. Shooting stars probably come next. Wait, do they differentiate between different sorts of celestial thingies, like do comet wishes rank higher than meteor wishes? If the meteor hits you, does it really matter what wish you made anyway? Hm. Halley's comet comes around regularly.. so I suppose it ranks lower than these random shooting star wishes, but above the 11:11 wishes, because it happens much less frequently. But if it happens so infrequently, shouldn't it then rank higher than random shooting star wishes? But what if you live in a smoggy area, and seeing a random shooting star is much less likely?

So then.. I suppose birthday wishes rank above random shooting star wishes, but below Halley's comet wishes. It comes around once a year. Does the priority of your wish depend on how many candles you have to blow out? That would make sense. More candles - more talent to blow them all out. But does it make sense to give older people, those that would have more candles on their cakes, higher ranking wishes? Shouldn't the power to wish rest with the starry-eyed idealistic youngsters who dare to wish in the first place? Maybe not.

Do I have to blow out the candles at the exact time of day of my birth? If not, is it then invalid? What sort of penalty will I suffer? Will my wish be ranked lower, get granted to a lesser extent, or be disqualified until next year?

Eyelash wishes don't make sense to me. You have a stack of wishes lining your eyelids that you can use any time you want. And they grow back! Not magical at all. Or is it just when you lose an eyelash accidentally? Well, that's just natural. Taking a dump is natural, but I don't get to make a wish every time I take a dump (even though I really do need the divine intervention at my side during some particularly tricky dumps).

Wait, do wishes rank higher than prayers?

And what's "luck?" Like when you find a penny or walk under a ladder. What's "good luck?" Something good happens for you? Well, I would wish for that anyway. So it's like I've randomly been granted a wish, except I don't decide any parameters about the wish at all. Not the time, place, nature, topic, anything. Is that really granting me a wish, then? Is luck just a crappy wish?

What's gambling? Obviously it has an element of luck - an element of being in your favor or not being in your favor. But aren't you kind of "wishing" for a certain outcome or a certain sharp deluge of luck? So you're wishing.. for a particular circumstance, which is that luck is on your side. But luck is just an undefined wish. So you're wishing, in particular, for a wish with no particulars...

Did writing this blog accomplish anything? Did it improve my grades or test scores, win me the lottery, or find me the love of my life? I wish.

My Name is Bannon

2009-09-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Heading back down tomorrow. It's gonna be an important and busy year for me, so I thought I'd outline my goals for the quarter ahead. It's more for me, but you can read this too.

The title of the blog is a reference to a character in World in Conflict. You should get that game. Anyway, Bannon.. well I don't want to give away the surprisingly good story, but he's a screwup with a moustache that eventually redeems himself. He calls his mother before his redemption and tells her that he's "gonna do good." This is my phone call. I am Bannon. You are my (bald) mother. I'm going to do good. And I'm going to earn that Wonderful Winter Break (TM) and my 21st birthday.

GRADES - I'm going to keep them up, and try to push them higher. This really isn't so much a goal as a mission requirement.

AED - Is the name of my club, of which I've been elected Social Chair. I'm going to connect with these folks. I'm going to expand membership. I'm going to make good on my campaign promises of more closely knitting this community.

VOLUNTEERING - This is kind of a branch of AED. But I'm going to volunteer more. For the club, for the camaraderie, for the good. I'm going to do it, even if it's at 8 AM on a Saturday.

MCATs - I'm going to.. do them.

RESEARCH - I'm going to get into this, and see what it has to offer. Regardless of whether I end up enjoying it or not, I'm going to let it see what I have to offer.

AND OF COURSE:

TAing - Not so much a job as a lifestyle. I'm going to be more vigilant, more accessible, a clearer public speaker, a cleaner blackboard chalker, a more consistent grader, a more forceful student advocate; I'm going to be better. I'm going to continue to earn my recent commendation, and I'm going to do my best to not let it breed a sense of arrogance or complacency.

Those are the big ticket items ahead. Thank you to everyone for making these past few months worth missing. I'm going to do good.

I'll see you all soon again! And I'll get working on those drawings.

Not the TA Award Blog I Wanted to Write

2009-09-15T17:25:00.001-07:00

Today started off as a very good day. I hung out with Alissa and then got an e-mail saying I won a TA award. I was very happy. Then I told my mom (against my better knowledge, I admit), and then I was very, very sad and hurt.

What happened from there reminded of a George Carlin joke that I believe was in the very last HBO special he did before he died. Basically, this guy wants to commit suicide, and then he gets all caught up in the logistics of it. That's what I did.

I felt very sad, and, having taken high school biology and all that, I tried to think of what chemicals I could put into my system to temporarily and artificially elevate my mood.

I thought of smoking. Smoking is a Swiss Army knife of a mood changer. I've tried it and I like it. It's simple, meditative, and you can do it for anything - when you're sad, angry, happy, anxious, calm, anything. It Just Works (TM).

But then I thought.. I've quit for so long, do I really want to break my streak because of this? My dad quit cold turkey when I was born. Am I gonna pussy out and start again because my feelings were hurt? God, the smell.

I don't have any cigarettes. I'll have to go down to the fuckin gas station to get them. Jesus they're not cheap either, and I need to not spend my money too stupidly. Should I take my bike down to the gas station? That would be quick.. but then I'd have to ride my bike all the way back, and that's all uphill. And I will have just smoked. That won't be fun. I just whitened my teeth too. Hm.

I could drink! I don't really like drinking though and I've never drank to change my mood. Hm. I have leftover vodka from Wonderful Winter Break. I don't want to feel sick though. And hm. That's a lotta empty carbs. Is getting fat going to help things? The vodka needs to be chilled. I really don't have that kind of time.

In the end, I got over myself and played World of Warcraft.

I won a TA award today.

Extended Shit I Don't Get #3

2009-09-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

After some time to think, I've found that I don't entirely understand something (BREAKING NEWZ). I don't understand these politicians that proclaim the government to be this enormous, inefficient, hulking bureaucracy that's a cancer on our society, and then seek elected office. Now that takes fuckin balls. If I were interviewing for, say, an information technology job, and I told the interviewer that I thought IT folks were pale, sexless freaks who were more familiar with crafting recipes in World of Warcraft than with even rudimentary aspects of a vagina, I probably wouldn't get hired. I probably wouldn't get hired because I'd probably do a shitacular job if I hated the position so damn much.

Going even further, beyond the apparent contradiction of "government sucks, put me in charge of it," is something I don't understand about the ideology itself. The anti-government folks seem to believe that, if there is a government (God (TM) forbid), it should be focused on staying out of our lives. The government should be focused on doing nothing, essentially.

This view of what the purpose of government is makes these less-government folks absolutely correct, in a perverse way. Having a president, vice president, 9 Supreme Court justices, and 535 members of Congress sure is inefficient and wasteful if what you think the government should be doing is nothing. I mean, Jesus Christ, I can do nothing all by myself! At home! While jerking off! I don't need a bureaucrat to do that for me. But let's see how this do-nothing government idea is monumentally stupid.

This might be a bit esoteric, but remember when you were doing a math problem, and it asks you to find the volume of a fuckin cube or something? And you solve the equations and shit, and you finish with a few possible answers for the volume of the cube. So you need to eliminate some of the answers, because the cube can only have one value for the volume. And one of the answers you have is negative, and you immediately throw that one out. Why? Because it's negative, and a cube can't have a negative volume. While it may be a solution to the equations you used, it doesn't make sense within the context of the problem.

That's exactly what this government-should-do-nothing crowd is proposing. To me, government was created to solve those big capital-letter-type issues: War, Poverty, Justice, Peace, Equality, Race, etc. Large, universally human issues need a large, society-wide force with the strength and backing of the people to act upon those problems. To look at these predicaments and ask "What should the government do to solve those problems?" only to have folks go "OH! OH! We can do nothing!" is the same as that negative value for cube volume. It's only an answer in the most technical, trivial sense. It doesn't make sense in the context of the problem.

I mean, Jesus, you think we can solve global warming just with you screwing in a few of those neat fluorescent lightbulbs? Fuck you. A politician wants to cut back the government? I say let's start with the part that employs his stupid ass.

Mish Mash

2009-08-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

JESUS CHRIST WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

I know I know I know I'm sorry. To make up for it, I'm going to roll several blog topics into one long rambling one. And to make sure I follow through with it, I'm going to do it stream-of-consciousness style (which, as I understand it, is fancy writerspeak for "I'm too goddamn lazy to make an outline").

Goddamn. What's been happening? Jesus. A lot of good people left. Roy left. Kristin left. Markis left. Every time, every goddamn time. It feels like you just start to tolerate the bastards, and then they be leavin you and shit. I thought I left that all behind - the constant moving and stuff, the constant uprooting. I always feel nostalgic during these last few bits.

You ever notice that..when you see a person in a wheelchair, you immediately look 'em up and down to see if you can identify why they're in a wheelchair? In a split fuckin second, you take in facial structure, posture, presence of limbs, relative obesity/underweightedness, or any sort of general awkwardness. You can pinpoint in a heartbeat why someone's fuckin disabled. And I take ages to order something at a restaurant.

Guys are always. ALWAYS. (always) the worse looking of the sexes. I don't care in what socioeconomic strata we're operating, or which race we're considering, or whatever. Guys are always the uglier half. Case in point: those "beauty and the beast" type couples. Also, they look fuckin awkward naked, I think. Girls are works of art. Guys wear socks when they have sex.

I've been thinking a lot about TAing recently (it'll be my third time this upcoming fall). I can't wait. I've got it all down! Or most of it. What I'm going to wear, tone of voice, opening spiel, what I'm going to have written on the board when they walk in for the first time. I don't know. People say I'm obsessive (a student once, even :). Just because I check the discussion board every 5 minutes and will delay sleep, work, and personal hygiene to answer a question in detail. Just because I make pages and pages of handouts and study material. Just because I practically beg for questions in class. Just because I always respond immediately to all e-mails from my phone, come hell or high water or Jesus 2.0. Just because thinking about TAing has given me ephiphanies about what I want to do in life, the role of professionals in society, the role of government, the basis of my morality system, and the basis of my political views. I don't know if I was empty before, but it sure feels like it now when I'm not TAing. I didn't choose TAing. It chose me. And goddamn, I don't think I ever feel as good as when I'm TAing. Alcohol, cigarettes, Vicodin, marijuana, uppers, downers, all arounders. Fuck them all. Nothing satisfies me, nothing fulfills me, nothing makes me as confident, as happy, as smart, as funny, as complete as when I'm in front of that room, in front of that audience. More to come on this.. for sure.

Things I'm currently watching: The Rachel Maddow Show (she is SO FUCKING HOT no FUCKING joke. And you know I'm serious because I don't care for celebrities, and, in particular, talking about their attractiveness annoys me. But JESUS I WOULD HOLD THAT BITCH DOWN BY THE WAIST AND GO TO TOWN. I'm talkin DOWNtown. She is the sexiest thing evar, perhaps barring a friend of mine or two ;), Daily Show/Colbert Report (classics!), Mad Men (I don't particularly care for drinking and I quit smoking, but that show makes me want to start both. Also, excellent fashion), Weeds (not as good as it used to be, but s'alright still), Countdown with Keith Olbermann (eh. Not a huge fan, but I like to have episodes of this ready when there's nothing else to watch and I'm having dinner), House (also not as good as it used to be, and the season's been done for a while), and The Office (also been done). Shows that have been done that I need to download and archive: 3rd Rock From the Sun, Seinfeld (ugh I downloaded this before and then had to delete it. Time to grab those 31 gigs again -_-), Firefly (!!!!!!!), Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Cowboy Bebop (I lost my CDs).

Things I'm (Supposed To Be) Reading: MCAT book, I, Claudius by Robert Graves, and Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond.

Things I'm playing: Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft, Killing Floor, Unreal Tournament 2004 (and variations of all these things). What a summer.

I suddenly got very tired just now.

What Happens After You Die?

2009-08-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

Please forgive the late posting. Massive LANning has postponed normal processes such as blogging and processing non-carbonated beverages. I'll have another post up soon to get back on track.

I was at the DMV the other day with the mom, and she gave me shit for being an organ donor. My initial response was "Who fucking cares! I'm fuckin dead, take what you need. It's a going out of business liquidation sale!" But, as always, that inconsequential event got me thinking, which got me overthinking, which led me to a general conclusion about the human condition, reaffirming my rule of thumb that people are full of shit.

So what do you believe happens after you die? The answer to this question, for most people, lies along two possible axes:

The physical - "I want to be buried/embalmed/mummified/cremated/worshipped annually at my sacrificial altar." These answers concern how people want their remains handled after they die.

The spiritual - "Since I'm such a fucking dandy person, I'm going to heaven/Valhalla/be reincarnated as good looking/be one with the Magical Corn Cob of the Universe." These answers concern what happens to one's "soul" or whatevs.

Anyway, the main theme weaving through these answers is that, even in death and beyond, humans are selfish, arbitrary folks full of bullshit. I just don't get these answers, after some time for thought. That's often the problem I have with customs or phrases or ideas - I'm not necessarily opposed to them, I just don't understand why they're held. If someone could elucidate the logic and reasoning behind otherwise bullshitty ideas, I would be much more accomodating (see Facebook note re: bebbe names, particularly last names).

I'm not going to address the afterlife concept here, a concept of which I'm very critical for all sorts of reasons. That's another blog post. But the physical thing: Isn't it kind of conceited to decide what happens to your body after you die, when you didn't really own it in the first place? Carlin was right: life doesn't begin at conception, it began about 3.9 billion years ago, and it's been recycled ever since then. You are made of borrowed carbon atoms my friend, and the Earth was nice enough to loan them to you at no interest; just send it back to Her when you're done. But nopes! You want to be cremated! What a fuckin thought.

So you're borrowing your body, which we'll compare to borrowing a house. While you're living in this other person's house, you fuckin trash the place - abusing your body by drinking, smoking, eating junk food, and listening to talk radio. THEN, when you're done dicking around with the place, you turn to the owner and say, "Welp, I guess I'm done with your house now. When I leave, I'd like you to burn your house down please. Those are my final wishes."

Also, reconsider the classic proverb: You wouldn't build a temple around a pile of dog shit. It might not exactly be a proveb. I might've made it up right now. But the point stands - why all the pomp and circumbullshit around what happens to your body, when it is, effectively, a very large bag of fertilizer at this point?

Consider the fact that some people want their bag of fertilizer to be cleaned. And then dressed in their best clothes. And then a gathering held, complete with speeches, to celebrate the fact that we're all just gonna conveniently forget the bad things the bag of fertilizer did when it was alive. And then the fertilizer will be placed in a magnificent, polished, goose down lined oak box with chrome handles. This boxed fertilizer will then get its very own space in the ground, and that ground will never, ever be used for anything else - overpopulation and homeless folk be damned. Once a year, the mourning family has to visit the bag of fertilizer's spot in the ground, and place dying plants on it. How will they find that particular bag of fertilizer among all the others? A tombstone - a permanent landmark that details most of information available on the bag of fertilizer's driver's license. And some fertilizers don't stop there! They get giant fucking tombstones - the ones with life-sized angels playing trumpets and throwing flowers and shit. And there will be many of these tombstones, each of them marking their bags of fertilizer, forming a sort of very somber miniature golf course.

So what happens after you die? Your ideas live on, if your life was worth a damn in the first place.

Shit I Don't Get #2

2009-07-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

Brief notes while I get something more substantial together.

- Ethnic Groups That Get Turned Into Mascots and Merchandise: Who decides which folks get turned into products and which don't? Washington Redskins. Fightin' Irish. Pontiac Aztek. How come no one ever invites me to come on down and test drive the 2009 Chevrolet Jew?

- People Who Poke Fun at Foreign Accents: People who make fun of people that have accents don't seem to get that the people with accents can speak two fucking languages, while they can't. With regards to Americans, even fluency in one language is debatable. Where is it at? Irregardless? Supposably? Their/there/they're? It's often noted that the U.S. does not have an official language. I don't think this stems from the desire to be inclusive, but rather from the failure to pass the proficiency exam required to get English declared as the national tongue.

Class dismissed.

At the Cinema

2009-07-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hey all. I noticed that I haven't blogged in a week. I will keep my commitment.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I've seen quite a few movies recently (relative to how often I usually go). Please silence your cell phones for the following Tweetable movie reviews and summaries for what I've seen so far:

HANNAH MONTANA: Average looking teen star lobotomizes audience with mediocre voice and plot. Little girls ecstatic.

STAR TREK: Well-acted, suspenseful update makes Star Wars fanboy give shit. Also, appears that racism is defeated in future. Lookin forward.

TRANSFORMERS 2: Large, complicated, glittery, exploding CGI alien robot penis rapes ear through eye for 2 1/2 hrs. On IMAX screen.

UP: Egg-shaped Azn wilderness scout befriends old man that reminds everyone of me; also bird, dog. Punctuates hilarity with bitter tears.

THE HANGOVER: Paging Dr. Faggot! Not you, fat Jesus! There. Now you have no reason to go see the movie.

And now, your feature presentation (scroll down and read other posts).

Of Love and Mercury

2009-07-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I was hanging out out with my good friend Lissalo. As usual, the conversation drifted to mercury poisoning. We noticed some peculiar parallels running between love and mercury poisoning, so I decided to do some hardcore PhD level research regarding the matter (Wikipedia). Compare popular ideas of love with the "signs and symptoms" paragraph of Wikipedia's article on mercury poisoning:

Common symptoms include ... itching, burning or pain ... pink cheeks, fingertips and toes ... swelling...

... profuse sweating ... persistently faster-than-normal heart beat ... hypersalivation ... high blood pressure ...

Affected children may show red cheeks and nose, ... red lips ... transient rashes, hypotonia (muscle weakness)... Other symptoms may include ... neuropsychiatric symptoms (emotional lability, memory impairment, insomnia).

Sounds pretty dead on to me. How does love work?

[Love] is such a highly reactive toxic agent that it is difficult to identify its specific mechanism of damage, and much remains unknown about the mechanism. It damages the central nervous system, endocrine system, kidneys, and other organs, and adversely affects the mouth, gums, and teeth. Exposure over long periods of time or heavy exposure to [love] can result in brain damage and ultimately death. [Love is] particularly toxic to fetuses and infants. Women who have been exposed to [love] in pregnancy have sometimes given birth to children with serious birth defects (see Minamata disease).

[Love] in young children can have severe neurological consequences, preventing nerve sheaths from forming properly. [Love] inhibits the formation of myelin.

There is some evidence that [love] may predispose to Young's syndrome (men with bronchiectasis and low sperm count).

What can we do to treat love?

Identifying and removing the source of [love] is crucial. Decontamination requires removal of clothes, washing skin with soap and water, and flushing the eyes with saline solution as needed.

If we're careful with love, the prognosis seems good:

Many of the toxic effects of [love] are partially or wholly reversible, either through specific therapy or through natural elimination of [love] after exposure has been discontinued. However, heavy or prolonged exposure can do irreversible damage, particularly in fetuses, infants, and young children.

Now go forth, drink a thermometer, and fall in love again.

The Pathetic Fallacy

2009-07-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

A while back, I read up on the pathetic fallacy, as it applies to teaching science.

Here, the pathetic fallacy (referring to pathos, as in empathy) is the personification or attribution of human emotions to natural phenomena, and it's committed when one says something like "air hates to be crowded, so it will move to an area of lower pressure" or that "due to inertia, a mass wants to stay in motion." One generally doesn't see the fallacy when describing phenomena, but rather when one is trying to explain why such phenomena occurs. The metaphors are defended as "simplifications" in the name of communicating the ideas to the students. The author goes as far as asserting that such poetry amounts to animism, medieval mysticism, and lying to students.

When I first read the article, I agreed with it in its entirety, and those kinds of metaphors came to scratch a blackboard when I heard them. They became a badge of verbal ineptitude. I meticulously removed them from all of my explanations, written or spoken. I was as hardline as the author.

Nowadays, I don't think I'm such a purist. I don't hesitate to use analogies or metaphors if I think they shed light on some sort of intuitive logic inherent in the concept being discussed, which happens fairly often in the lower division organismic and evolutionary biology class for which I TA here at LSU. I always, however, go right back to the topic under discussion in non-metaphorical language.

I think the one line that offered me the most insight was the rule offered by the author, which states:

Rule:
When discussing the behavior of the natural world, you are not obliged to explain it; you could merely describe it. However, if you do offer an explanation, you are obliged to get it right.

Even though I'm pretty much the lowest-ranking educator possible, I still have the duty outlined in that rule: I am responsible for my students' depth of understanding of the course material, and I shallow that understanding if I stick solely with those metaphors. I don't think anybody uses analogies and personification to lie to students, or because they believe that inanimate objects really do hold these sorts of ambitions. I think it stems from a genuine desire to make their material easier to grasp and perhaps more interesting.

When one uses nothing but empty artistry to describe why natural phenomena occur, however, one glosses over or completely fails to explain the internal logic and structure of the explanatory mechanism. Saying that something happens because it "wants" to is to deprive the students of a body of explanations that have been compiled through experimentation, deliberation, and logical deduction. The students will not be able to see how conclusions were drawn from observations, and how the general principle endows the scientist with predictive capability, which is the key to applicatoin. Both the student and instructor miss the point of teaching science in the first place.

Shit I Don't Get #1

2009-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

- War Movies: I love war movies, but 1) why is everyone so fucking handsome? 2) why does everyone have rigidly even, straight, sterile white teeth? Were Crest Whitestrips around in the 1940s? Was there a guy passing them out at fucking Omaha Beach? 3) is the only requirement for enlistment a well-maintained 5 o'clock shadow?

- Guys Jogging Shirtless: Listen assholes, I've been jogging. It does not get THAT hot, you fucking dick. Either cover yourself up or get a tan and a gym membership; it looks like a Holocaust victim is jogging his way past Albertson's!

- Apple Products: I don't have anything against them, but they're beginning to sacrifice a shitdickulous amount of function for form. The new Shuffle is the size of your fingernail, and it doesn't have any buttons. Apparently, it changes songs depending on how warm your finger is when you touch it. Or something.

- Going Out To Eat On The First Date: I just don't get this. Presumably, you're going out to get to know the person better. This requires talking. It's impolite to talk with your mouth full of food. Having your mouth full of food is a well-understood consequence of eating. So why are you asking her out to eat? This is basically what you're saying: "Hi, I'm fucking retarded and I think you're pretty. I think it would be oodles of fun if we were to visit our local eatery together, so I can spear hot chunks of dead, genetically-modified animal into my mouth, break it down into a wet, mushy, slop, and swallow it with a big gulp but leave just a little bit on my tongue and teeth. Oh, and I want to kiss you at the end of the night with that same mouth. What can I say, I'm a bit of a romantic."

- Describing The Weather As Partly Cloudy vs. Mostly Sunny: What the FUCK is the difference?

- Celebrating Birthdays: In my family, staying alive for another year usually isn't a cause for gift-giving, cake, or the other pomp and circumbullshit associated with birthdays. What exactly are you celebrating? The fact that you had the courage to keep breathing? The moxie it took to maintain a constant internal body temperature? That's not an achievement. That's fucking homeostasis.

- Martial Arts: Full disclosure - I used to be forced to take Taekwondo. Anyway, I have no idea why people take hours out of their week and like $90 a month out of their wallets to do this kind of shit. What's the reasoning behind it? Exercise? Oh wait, you can run around outside for free. Self-defense? Oh right, the Chinese invented gunpowder in like the 9th century. Guess that makes your shit a little obsolete. So you're paying $90 a month to run around, in a bathrobe, learning how to defeat Neanderthals in hand-to-hand combat.

Assuming the Neanderthals haven't invented throwing pointy rocks, in which case, you're fucked.

On Confidence

2009-07-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

Folks always talk about confidence, about what a nice quality it is to have. Especially the girls! They want guys that are confident, but NOT arrogant. HONEY GLAZED JESUS NOT ARROGANT! The guy can't ever, ever be arrogant. Don't you fucking dare to cross that line, guy!

This part confuses me. I don't understand why such a Berlin Wall stands between "confidence" and "arrogance." No one ever makes the statement with any degree of leniency - always confident, never arrogant. It seems like such a quantifiable, experimental science, as if there was a profound philosophical distinction between being an asshole and being a complete motherfucker. So what's the secret formula for confidence Coke? Does he have to brag, but only about skills he actually has? Cheat, but only on weekends? Beat you, but only with his left arm?

On the practical front, I hear that confidence is eye contact, an erect posture, a puffed chest, a raised chin, and a projecting voice. Confidence, therefore, is an act. It's this illusion conjured up to inspire trust in your abilities, because your abilities don't speak for themselves.

I'm pretty confident in that assertion.